Thursday, August 15, 2013

Intellectual book review

If you've read my blog for a while, you might remember that about a year ago I came across two fantasy romance novels -- available in Kindle format for $2.99 -- with characters based on the New Kids on the Block.

And if you haven't been reading my blog for long, you just read that sentence and said, "Whaaaat? Karen, I must read these books!"

Yes. You must! Because they were the Best. Dang. Books. Ever. If you missed my reviews, you might want to go back and read my summary of book one ("Second Time Around") and book two ("Second Chances").

About a month ago, the same author released a third book in the series ("Second to None"). Of course, I downloaded it right away so I could report back to all of you. I read it ... and then I didn't know if I should publicly admit I read this book. I publicly admit a lot of things (remember the time I ordered an NKOTB DVD so I could get a scrap of clothing from one of their outfits?) so you know it's bad.

Book three is much different from the other two. My theory is that sometime after writing the second book, the author attended a writing seminar called "How to Write a Book That is Nothing but Disturbingly Graphic Sex Scenes." Mission accomplished, author. Mission accomplished.

I wasn't even sure how to review this book for my blog or even if I should.  But I know that reporting on these New Kids books is a valuable public service I provide, so I needed to carry on. I decided that instead of going into details about the above-mentioned scenes, I would simply insert the following sound effect:

Bow chicka wow wow.

Ready? Let's begin.

The book opens where book two left off. Fancy, sassy lawyer Kaye is engaged to Josh/Jon, who is super, super, SUPER heterosexual -- not the tiniest bit gay -- in case anyone is wondering. A magazine reporter wants to interview all of the members of Boys From the Block and their significant others about how they met. Josh/Jon is reluctant. Remember his crippling anxiety disorder? He's straight now, but he's still anxious. He finally agrees. To reward him, Kaye gets him alone aboard his private jet and ...

Bow chicka wow wow.

Everyone gathers for the interview. Jared/Jordan and his wife, Erin, tell their story. It begins when they are teenage sweethearts. Erin has been secretly in love with Jared/Jordan for years but is unsure about the relationship because he is a world-famous teen idol who is always being chased by screaming women, blah blah. Years go by, and Erin finally decides she is ready for a disturbingly graphic deflowering by Jared/Jordan. She surprises him in his hotel room while he's on tour and ...

Bow chicka wow wow.

Jared/Jordan has to rush off because he gets word that Dean/Donnie has crashed his motorcycle, so Erin returns the next night to surprise him again, this time wearing sexy lingerie, and:

Bow chicka ...

No! She discovers a drunken Jared/Jordan stumbling into the room with two drunken groupies. She flees into the night. A short time later, Jared/Jordan realizes that perhaps -- perhaps -- he made a mistake. He knows the only way to right this wrong: He must hunt Erin down and become a creepy stalker. He stalks and stalks and stalks and stalks. When that doesn't work, he simply serenades her and proposes, which cancels out the stalking and sleeping with two women! Of course! She says yes! Yay!

Next, it's the story of Jake/Joe and his wife, Brennan. She is a sassy, fancy real-estate agent. He really needs some fancy, sassy real estate. They go on a date. Then she doesn't return his calls. He knows the only way to right this wrong. He must hunt Brennan down and become a creepy stalker. He stalks and stalks and stalks and stalks. When that doesn't work, he traps her in an empty house ... but it's not creepy because he has champagne and roses!

Bow chicka wow wow.

Next: David/Danny meets his future wife, Tracy, at a bar, and they head to a hotel for a night of anonymous bow chicka wow wow. Two months later, Tracy's sister just happens to have front-row seats to a Boys From the Block concert. Tracy agrees to go, despite the fact that she knows nothing about BFTB and she is feeling nauseous. (You know exactly what is coming, don't you? I totally had you at "nauseous", didn't I?) Tracy gets to the concert and realizes, "OH MY GOD! ANONYMOUS BOW CHICKA WOW WOW MAN IS A MEMBER OF BOYS FROM THE BLOCK! I'M GOING TO THROW UP!"

She meets David/Danny after the show and they head to the tour bus.

Bow chicka wow wow.

And, of course, shortly afterward she figures out she's pregnant with his baby, blah blah, chicka blah blah.

Then the group interview is all over and Dean/Donnie and his wife head home to take a shower.

Bow chicka wow wow.

The End.

2 comments:

Jenny Barker-Devine said...

Laughing too hard to type...

Deb said...

Best book review ever. Can't. Stop. Laughing.