Sunday, October 09, 2011

It's a tie!

My M-spike is stable this month at 2.3. Last month it was 2.2, but it's been hovering anywhere between 2.2 and 2.5 for several months now. Anyway, last month I posted a photo of Bon Jovi in a tie, so I thought I'd post a photo of him in a completely different tie this month. When I Googled "Bon Jovi tie", however, I discovered that you can actually buy a tie with a picture of Jon Bon Jovi on it! What an age we live in! I think Jay really needs one of these to wear to church.


Wednesday, October 05, 2011

All for me grog

Very long story short: When my sister and I were teenagers in Iowa, our family had a booth at the local Renaissance Festival. My sister would walk around and talk to people in a fake British accent while I mostly hid out in the back eating cinnamon-coated almonds and hoping nobody from high school walked by. Our booth was right next to the stage, so we watched the different performers all day, including a group of singing pirates called the Jolly Rogers. Now, at first we sort of rolled our eyes and tried to ignore the sea shanties coming from the stage nearly every hour. Singing pirates. How lame.

After hearing the same songs, like, eight times a day for several days, however, something happened to our brains. We grew to love the singing pirates. We knew all of the words. We became obsessed with the Jolly Rogers. We bought their tape (because hardly anyone owned CDs yet -- that's how long ago this was).

When I went on a spring break road trip in college, I made my friends listen to "Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum" in the car. They are still my friends. I don't know why.

Well, twenty-ish years later, the Jolly Rogers are still around and performing at the Kansas City Renaissance Festival:


I was pretty excited to take WCK to the festival and introduce her to the Jolly Rogers. I checked the schedule and made sure we got to their stage in plenty of time. We bought a little bag of cinnamon-coated almonds. It was the early '90s all over again.

Then, right before the show started, I noticed the Jolly Rogers had set up a large, hand-painted sign that said "PG-13" in big black letters. What? Why? Oh, yeah. It was all coming back to me, a little too late.

They launched into their hit song, "All For Me Grog." If Renaissance Festival pirates can have a hit song, a song that makes the crowd want to go, "Woooo!" and hold up their lighters, "All For Me Grog" would be theirs. Here are some of the lyrics, which I'd sort of forgotten:

Where is me bed?
Me noggin', noggin' bed?
All gone for beer and tobacco!
Well, I lent it to a whore, now the sheets they is all tore
And the springs are lookin' out for better weather! Hey!

Wait, wait, wait, Mother of the Year Committee! Don't start filling out my award just yet! Wait until you hear the next verse!

And where is me wench?
Me noggin', noggin' wench?
All gone for beer and tobacco!
Well her (clap) is worn out, and her (clap) is knocked about, and her (clap) is lookin' out for better weather! Hey!

Yes. NOW you may send me the Mother of the Year Award.

For another song, they turned the sign around so it said, "PG-31", because that song was even worse.

Fortunately, WCK did not understand any of the jokes. A few times, she whispered to me, "Mommy, I don't get that joke," and I'd pretend that I didn't get the joke either. (I did get it, though, and it was hilarious.) My conclusion is that the PG-13-rated Jolly Rogers are fairly safe until your kid actually reaches the age of 13 and finally understands what they're talking about.

At the end, WCK put a dollar donation in one of the pirate's hats, to insure that we'll be able to see the Jolly Rogers perform for many more years to come. Or at least until she's 13.



Monday, October 03, 2011

Girl Scouts vs. The Zoo

Saturday was Girl Scout Day at the Kansas City Zoo. Now, when you hear the words "Girl Scout Day at the Zoo", you no doubt envision a fun, whimsical time, with adorable little girls laughing and frolicking among sweet, cuddly animals.

It was hell, I tell you. Absolute fricking hell.

The hellishness was not, in any way, the fault of the Girl Scouts. What we didn't know before we set out for what we believed would be a cuddly day of frolicking was that it was also

1) a day when all residents of Kansas City got into the zoo for free and
2) Meet Curious George Day.

Apparently, every single resident of Kansas City heard about Free Zoo Day and decided, collectively as a city, to descend upon the zoo. And we all know that fans of Curious George are drunken party animals. The zoo was an absolute madhouse. For those of you familiar with the Kansas City Zoo, I will tell you this: We were there for over three hours and didn't make it much farther than the carousel, which is right up front.

After about 15 minutes, right around the time we were fighting our way through the drunken mob to meet Curious George, I could tell that Jay was on the verge of throwing himself into the polar bear enclosure. I told him that it was too late for me, but he should save himself.

Jay fled the zoo and went directly to the nearest Buffalo Wild Wings. No doubt the staff realized he was a zoo refugee and granted him sanctuary, nursing him back to health via televised football games and beer.

I'm sure at some point, maybe in between bites of tasty wings or during commercial breaks, Jay felt kind of bad. At least, that's what I told myself while I was spending 45 minutes in an unmoving lunch line located right in the middle of the World's Largest and Scariest Bee Population. Did I mention that my child becomes completely Rain-Man-Won't-Get-on-the-Plane hysterical when she sees a single bee? Good times.

But in the end, WCK earned a patch for her time at the zoo, and Jay returned from chicken-wing paradise to pick us up. I got into the car and said, "Let us never speak of this again."

I'm wondering if the Girl Scouts are planning another day at the zoo next year. May God have mercy on their souls.