Monday, January 04, 2010

I don't expect anyone to understand, but ...

If you know me -- or if you read this blog on a regular basis -- you know that there are several Stupid Things that I enjoy getting All Riled Up About. One: People doing anything Christmas-related until the day after Thanksgiving. Two: Anyone but Judy Garland singing Over the Rainbow. As I've mentioned before, when I run the universe, I will ban everyone from singing Over the Rainbow. If there's some kind of dire Over the Rainbow emergency, I will allow Liza Minnelli to step in. Maybe. It depends on how dire the emergency.

Who would have thought my top two pet-peeves would converge into a Perfect Pet-Peeve Storm?

Every year, Hallmark sells Wizard of Oz keepsake ornaments. I have nearly every Oz ornament that's been made since they started in 1993. This year, one of the ornaments features Dorothy sitting in the farmyard with Toto, and when you press a button, the ornament sings Over the Rainbow. Of course, I waited until the Monday after Thanksgiving to go looking for my ornament, and they were all sold out in Kansas City, because people are insane. I immediately e-mailed all of my family members in other towns. Finally, my sister-in-law -- bless her -- was able to find the very last Over the Rainbow ornament at a store in Omaha.

I was so excited. It's a beautiful ornament. Dorothy and Toto look very cute, and it even has little tufts of real-looking Kansas prairie grass.

Then I pressed the button.

It's not Judy Garland's voice. The horror! The horror!

Seriously, I nearly blacked out. As Marge Simpson once said, I was very disappointed and horrified. You can tell the person singing was trying to do a Judy Garland impression, but it's not even a good Judy Garland impression.

It's not even a good Liza impression.

I want to write an outraged letter to Hallmark, but the only words that will come are, "Dear Hallmark, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME??!??!?!"

To make things worse, WCK crawled under the dining room table with the ornament and kept pressing the button over and over, because she knew it was gnawing at my soul. "Do you hear this, Mama? Do you hear this? HA HA HA HA!"

Now I've calmed down, and I know everything will be OK. I can still enjoy my ornament, as long as nobody ever presses the button, ever again. At least I didn't find an incorrect apostrophe on the packaging. I'd probably be in a straight jacket right now.

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