Monday, March 23, 2009

Unrest in Bear Country

A while back, I complained bitterly about My Little Pony. Today's victim: The Berenstain Bears.

I really liked The Berenstain Bears when I was little. I thought they were funny and cute. Now I'm realizing that 99 percent of their books are long, droning sermons on the benefits of cleaning up after yourself, behaving yourself at the dentist, and not crying when you get a shot.

The most disturbing book is The Berenstain Bears and The New Baby. I had this book when I was little, and I found it in a box of my old stuff in the basement and thought it would be fun to read to WCK. Now I read it and wonder: Did my parents buy this book for me to prepare me for the arrival of my sister? If they did, I am sure that it did not work. It is the Most. Unrealistic. Book. Ever.

Seriously. Ever. And I'm including the previously mentioned My Little Pony book Pinky Pie's Spooky Dream. I can believe ponies can be pink, have spooky dreams, and eat waffles. I cannot, however, believe the events that transpire in The Berenstain Bears and The New Baby. Jay and I complain about this book on a regular basis.

Here's what happens: The mother bear, father bear, and little boy bear (I believe he is called "Brother Bear" in future books) all live a happy life in a hollow tree in Bear Country. One morning, the little bear wakes up and his bed is too small for him. Little Bear and Father Bear go off into the woods, chop down a tree, and build a big bed. When they return home with the new bed, presumably a few hours later, the mother has apparently given birth all by herself, completely recovered, slimmed down to her pre-baby weight, and single-handedly moved the old crib into the new baby's room. The new baby is happy and smiling and bops the big brother on his nose. Everyone is happy. No one is the least bit shocked.

I guess I could forgive the authors if there were a sequel: The Berenstain Bears and The Day The Mother Bear's Hormones Kicked In and the Baby Screamed All Night. I'm sure it would be a bestseller.

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