I know nothing about fashion. I guess this was pretty obvious two posts ago when I wrote about wearing snot-covered sweatpants. You don't see those too often on the runways of Milan.
The last time I was even remotely in the know about what was considered cool-looking was back in my junior high and high school days in the late '80s and early '90s. Back then, the big rage was skinny jeans. Really, really skinny jeans. They had zippers on the ankles so you could unzip them to actually get your legs inside, and then re-zip them so they remained snug against your legs. If your jeans didn't have the ankle zippers, you could go the jean-rolling route, where you'd fold over the cuff and then roll the bottom of the jeans up tightly against your ankle. Then you would accessorize with puffy socks that matched the color of your shirt. Of course, all of the cool kids could successfully roll their jeans and get them to stay that way for eight hours straight. Mine would always unravel as I rushed from gym class to Life Science, so I'd have to stop and re-roll in the hallway about five times, lest somebody else see me with denim more than a millimeter away from my ankle and condemn me to social ruin. These were rough times to live in, children.
Back in my day, only the nerdiest of the nerdy would even THINK about wearing bell-bottoms. Maybe if it was "Sixties Day" during homecoming week, you could get away with it, but everyone would still be talking about it the next day.
So you can only imagine my horror, my absolute horror, when suddenly flared jeans came back "in" again about eight or so years ago. It took a while for me to finally break down and buy a pair of "boot cut" jeans, and even then I called my sister practically sobbing. "I look like Jar-Jar Binks!" I wailed.
Just when I had finally gotten used to the Jar-Jar Binks look, just when I was embracing my inner Jar-Jar, what comes back in again? Skinny jeans.
The Gap even has a commercial now proclaiming that they have "skinny black pants". It features Audrey Hepburn dancing around to AC/DC. Oh, good. Because when I think of the body type of the average American woman -- and I'm including myself here -- I automatically think of Audrey Hepburn. It's like looking into a mirror.
But the real wake-up call came the other day when I was walking through the neighborhood with WCB in the stroller. I was wearing my usual daytime uniform of the aforementioned unwashed Snot Pants and a three-year-old souvenir t-shirt from the Bubba Gump Shrimp restaurant in Minneapolis, which was tastefully accessorized with chewed-up -- and not by me -- dried green beans on the shoulders.
Just on the other side of the street, I spotted a high school girl walking home wearing ... exactly what girls wore to high school when I started in 1989: Oversized shirt, denim skirt, tight leggings, and little flat shoes.
This made me think two things: 1) I'm really, really old. 2) If only I had saved all of my clothes from 1989, I would have a small chance at being cool again.
Unfortunately, the only item of clothing I saved from that era is my New Kids on the Block Hangin' Tough 1990 World Tour Official Concert T-shirt, and I could only pull that off if I had an air of irony about me, which I do not. In fact, I have secret hopes that they'll get back together. My favorite one was Donnie.
Anyway, my point, and I do have one, is that I just can't keep up. I'm sure by the time I decide to go for the Audrey Hepburn pants, the Jar-Jar pants will be back in style. I guess I should just sit tight, hang on to my Jar-Jars, and try to scrape the green beans off of my shoulders.