For the past, oh, six weeks or so, I’ve been taking an exercise class called “Just Pump” on Monday and Wednesday nights. It’s an hour-long, aerobics-type strength-training class. We use light hand weights, body bars, exercise balls, bands, etc. I figure it will help strengthen my Godcella-laden bones and perhaps help me someday realize my dream of fitting into my pre-pregnancy jeans without looking like Chris Farley in the Saturday Night Live “Chippendales” skit.
I’m able to keep up reasonably well – meaning that I haven’t collapsed yet – because I took a class almost exactly like this one for a couple of years when we lived in Minnesota. The exercise moves are nearly identical, but the Minnesota class was a little more laid back. The instructor was a very tiny, very loud woman who also worked part-time as a flight attendant.
Yeah, she was an aerobics-instructor-slash-flight-attendant. I always thought that sounded like somebody Dan Fielding would date on Night Court.
Oh, wait, she was also a part-time bartender, too.
Anyway, she’d spend most of the workouts telling highly entertaining stories that sounded borderline true. Like the time she was flying back from Las Vegas with a bunch of rowdy drunks, and the pilot dropped the cabin pressure to make them all fall asleep. Or the time she flew home from somewhere tropical – I forget where – and some exotic spider crawled out of the cargo area and bit her, and her entire arm swelled up and turned purple. Or how she was hoping to have breast-enlargement surgery, and the doctor told her to look through a Playboy magazine and pick out the exact ones she wanted.
I had to move away to Kansas City before I found out how that last endeavor turned out.
My current “Just Pump” instructors are nice enough, but they are very professional and businesslike and rarely say anything more interesting than, “… and squeeze! And breathe!” I suppose that’s why it’s called “Just Pump” and not “Pump and Listen to Stories about Exotic Spiders”. I might pay extra for the spider stories, though.