Thursday, February 23, 2006

Don't drink and read

I write a monthly humor column for a small, local magazine in South Dakota (yeah, the big time!). My most recent column was the same as the first post in this blog, "Meet My New Roomie." The column just before that was about how I had officially broken up with Tom Cruise -- who had been my imaginary boyfriend for about 15 years -- because he's recently gone crazy. Yesterday, I got this e-mail from my editor:

Get this: some crazy guy called in yesterday, and Jacqueline took the call. He wanted to talk all about you and your columns,which he reads regularly and enjoys. But he's wondering why you didn't share the fact that you have cancer earlier ... maybe you don't really have cancer, he thinks, because otherwise you should have written about it sooner. And he thinks that you ended your crush on Tom Cruise not because he's a crazy Scientologist who knocked up Katie Holmes and jumps on couches, but because you realized you'd never get to date him because you have cancer. Alrighty then, Mr. Crackpot. Oh, and Jacqueline thought he might've been a little drunk because he was slurring his words a lot.

Wow. A lot of horrible things have passed through my head since the diagnosis, but I never stopped to contemplate the most grim reality of all: TOM CRUISE WILL NEVER DATE ME NOW!! I'm not sure how I'll go on. Thanks a lot, Crazy Drunk Man!

What about Ewan McGregor? Do you think he digs cancer chicks?


Karen's sister said...

Yes. I think Ewan McGregor is a great humanitarian who would make a great imaginary boyfriend. Just imagine the two of you riding around the world on motorcycles, or defeating sith lords in a galaxy far, far away. Mmmmmmmm... Ewan. Oh, and he sings too. He could sing to you, "Iiiii-eee-iiii, will always looooove you!" That's so much nicer than wars over worlds, throwing cocktail shakers, and immigrating from Ireland with a really bad accent.

Rachel said...

I agree with Jenny, but just be careful. What is this going to do to your relationship with Jay? I don't mean that Jay will be jealous of your having a different imaginary boyfriend. On the contrary, Jay might be jealous of your dating a Jedi Master. He'd probably want to go along on the imaginary dates. Who am I kidding? I want to come too!

Laughing Plasma said...

I just wanted to thank you for an inspiring evening... culminating a few minutes ago with "Laughing Plasma"

May your smoldering plasma cells drown in laughter.